august 8 - i don't know

i'm gonna sound self-pyting.. but i feel like for a while, i've wanted to become a bit of a smarter person but never put in the effort to do so. i always feel pretty stupid compared to my peers, because i'm honestly quite an insecure person (even though i try to act like i'm not these days), so maybe i'm not actually a dumbass and just kinda dislike myself. but i also feel like i am genuinely a bit..immature? i guess. i'm only 18 so i try to think "i'm still very young, over time i'll become more mature" but then put in no effort to do so, so will this actually happen?? i know people tend to gain maturity naturally, and i think there is a sense of maturity in just admitting that you're not mature... but still. maybe idk what i'm saying here.

i guess maybe really what i want is that i just wish i did more with myself. i see people my age often talking about going out and doing fun, fulfilling activities, while i tend to just be cooped up in my room all day most days. i used to have a job that would force me to go out at least once a week, but i got pretty much fired from that job i guess because i wasn't good enough (which is pretty silly because it was a cashier/customer service job at a children's clothing store.) for some reason being able to do things on my own like that would make me feel more mature. i guess it makes sense but i wish it didn't. because i know that it realistically won't be a bit until i'm able to do that. not because i don't want to, but because i know how i am, and i know how my parents are, and i know how this will go. i've been trying to get my drivers license for years but it seems impossible for anyone involved to put any effort into it. i wish i just lived somewhere where i didn't Need a car to go anywhere, but i must deal with the cards i'm dealt. i guess.
maybe i'm being pessimistic, i feel like i tend to subconsciously be like that these days, but i guess i'm just tired of this sometimes. how many times have i said "i guess" in this entry?..
i don't know if i'm genuinely stupid, or if i just hold those around me to a higher degree than i hold myself, or if i'm too harsh on myself, or if those last 2 points mean basically the same thing, or if my brain too fried at this point from so much internet use that i can't even tell, or if i'm normal and this is normal for my age and i'm just talking out of my ass.
i don't think it's fully bad to be immature, but i feel like it makes me an asshole sometimes. i get too offended by small things sometimes, and i don't really lash out at others over it most of the time, but it still makes me feel like shit. at least i know not to get others involved in my mess... but i also just feel stupid in a way i can't fully explain, like i don't know enough, or like everyone already knows everything while i know nothing, but this could also just be a confidence issue, which also makes me feel bad... yeah i think that's it.. i'm just not confident enough. who knew...
i stopped going to therapy by literally ghosting my therapist, which is maybe a sign i shouldn't have stopped going at all. but i just never felt like going at one point. it felt tiring to go because even though i knew something was wrong, i guess i couldn't figure out exactly what, or i did know what was wrong, but with my situation there just wasn't really much that could be done. maybe i had a bad therapist (she did irritate me once when i for some reason brought up animal crossing and she kept going on about how "stupid" it was, like are you serious? and she also talked about herself like a lot... too much for a therapist i think. but what do i know) but i don't know... i've tried therapy so many times throughout my life and i feel like it's never helped. if it does help, it's for like a few (like 2-3) months and then i'm back to being miserable again. this could be because i have a like neurological disorder you know, or because the world just sucks right now, but with the latter, does that mean life has just always been this miserable? where i avoid the news because i know no matter what it says, it'll ruin my day? maybe not always, but at one point i started noticing it and i feel like it's never been any other way. but back to my point... i've tried medication and i think that's helped, adderall makes me lose my appetite way too severely (i lost like 10-15 pounds last college semester because i just couldn't eat) but it helps me focus when i need to (most of the time), and i started taking mood stabilizers and i feel like those have really helped but will they withstand the test of college? we will see.
i mentioned "the world just sucks right now" being a contributing factor to my seemingly persistent misery but i also meant my own situation by that. which sounds really selfish now that i think about it. i could've worded it differently. i just mean that my mentally ill parents who refuse to better themselves don't help with this. i don't live the Worst life, so i feel bad even complaining, but it's no coincidence i guess that my fight or flight instincts activate whenever my dad has any slight irritation in his voice. i think my nervous system is just fucked, but wouldn't that be their fault too?

i guess i don't know why i wrote this. i try not to complain or vent or whatever because it just feels silly considering how priviledged i am in the grand scheme of things, but it's not like i'm not allowed to feel like shit sometimes i suppose. i guess i just wish i felt like i did more, like i was doing more with my life, even though i'm honestly pretty content with it as it is right now. maybe i just compare myself to others too much.
or maybe i guess i just feel like i'm behind everyone in everything. i feel like i've always felt like that.