august 9 - shame, videogames, and dreams

it's 5:26 am. i went to sleep earlier than i usually do last night but still woke up too early somehow. but anyways. i was laying on my bed reading the quotes in my notes app, and had this feeling again... this feeling where i feel immensely immature for no reason again. it reminded me of a previous diary entry of mine (august 6 - i don't know). because lol, most of the quotes were from manga or videogames... which i guess isn't a bad thing, it just means i rarely ever engage with anything else. i do believe manga and videogames are just as valid forms of storytelling as regular books and movies/shows, so why do i still feel so childish about this? i think it's just a sense of shame. i've found i tend to be ashamed of everything these days. well, maybe not "these days". i've been ashamed of everything for probably my whole life now. it's something i've tried to work on, to ignore, but to no avail.
but the thing is, if i do feel so ashamed of small things like this that i could "fix" if i just put in the effort, why don't i do that...? ...funnily enough, that just reminded me of the message of one of my favorite videogames, persona 5 royal... one of its messages is something along the lines of "you have to take control of your own life." it's really beautiful to me. it resonated a lot with me as a depressed teenager when i first finished it. and it still does. it's a message i wish i had taken to heart for more than a couple months. i can't say i didn't learn from it at all, but... why do i feel so stuck in my own life sometimes? you would really think it'd be easier to do things your own way but for some reason it's not. reminds me of another quote... "If you want to, why don't you? It's your life." this is apparently from azumanga daioh..? wow.
i think i'm just too hard on myself, really. i just hate that i know this, that i know the root of most of my issues really, but still can't seem to do anything about them. that's why i feel stuck. there's a lot of things i could blame, but doesn't it really just all boil down to my own incompetence? maybe, maybe not. does it really even matter in the end?
my favorite theme in anything, especially videogames, is anything to do with dreams. dreams and living life how YOU want to live it. it always resonates with me the most. and i think it's because it's gratifying seeing others be able to live their lives in ways that i can't seem to. you could argue it's silly because these characters aren't real, but i think even if these characters aren't real, if they have enough impact, they kind of in a way are real, no?

i need to stop being so hard on myself.